choices

Don't have anything in your life you can't walk away from in an instant.
-Michael Stone

Sometimes i wonder about the various choices i make in my life.

Seems that i keep making wrong choices whatever i do. Nothing seems to have gone right for me since setting down in Michigan. Wait listed for units, stuck in this screwed up housing situation, and missing out on the UWA summer school opportunity due to my absence from school back in Perth.

Its hard to be positive when all this shit piles up in front of you like a never ending story of trouble and problems. It isn't helping when the ones closest to you give you problems as well. I really dont need this nonsense right now. The last thing i want is someone adding on to my problems and thats all thats been happening so far. So what if ive been angry and pissed off at everything? Who wouldnt? Its just my way of dealing with things!

You hold up so much expectations of people that when they fall short you just invariably get dissapointed at what you find. That there truly is no one you can depend on but yourself. Who better to justify your own actions, your own reasons but yourself? Who better to understand the deepest psyches, the faults, the wrongs than looking one's reflection in a mirror?

god damn it

Day One

Been sometime since I last blogged. Havent seen a reason to, but now I guess there is.

I can safely say I am nicely tucked in my apartment, after the hustle and bustle of the past few days.

Slept only a few hours on Saturday night. Took my own sweet time to pack, and in between the rounds of Element TD and packing, the hours passed. Hit the bed only at 3.10 am, and set the clock for a mere 50 minutes later. We got to the airport, looking forward to a speedy check in, but this greeted us instead:

KAN NI NA

Seems that there were a shitload of other people taking the same flight. The huge crowds around the check in counter were the send-off armies of, I assume, some dragon year kids flying off to the states to study.

Just like me.

But I’m different, am I?

Anyway it was a 3 plus hour flight to Hong Kong for my first stop. Nothing much to see there, except the Honkie version of Guardian which I found amusing:

I assumed that I was going to have hard time on the plane given the flight length (longest airplane journey ever in my life), so I decided to invest in a few books. Bought Stephen King’s Duma Key, and a Sudoku book. The latter proved to be more useful of the 2, allowing me to burn an our or so in Chicago where my flight was delayed. As for Duma Key, I haven’t started on it, and I don’t know whether I will…….

The flight from Hong Kong to Chicago was hell. Firstly, the fucking Honkie that checked my handcarry luggage was a total NAZI. In front to a long line of people, she fucking pulled a BMT all-in-all-out routine, emptying the contents of my bags for the fucking world to see. And to add insult to injury she even got me to take my shoes off and check them, AND got me to switch on my laptop.

So what the hell now. My laptop’s a bomb? Give me a break.

United has absolutely no inflight entertainment, and the movies they played on the overhead projectors in the plane were cheesy and were honestly fucked up. Not to mention that for the first half of Prince Caspian, the projector was shaking like a bellydancer. Tried to do some Sudoku, but I felt too drained. Instead I sought comfort in the confines of my own head, trying to get some sleep here and there.

Which actually worked.

I dove in and out of sleep, waking up for meals, snacks and drinks, and watched the odd show here and there. Getting off the plane was a relief. And to my surprise, clearing US customs was not as hard or as difficult as the immigration people made it out to be. It was a pleasant surprise. Checked in my baggage and headed to Chicago Terminal 2 to wait for my connecting flight to Detroit. I was bloody thirsty so I hit the first joint I could see for a drink. Starbucks! Had an Iced Tea with Lemonade. Slightly Sweetened.

Iced Tea with Lemonade. Sounded alien when it was on the board. Must have been the fatigue kicking in because its nothing more than ICE LEMON TEA MAH.

Burned half an hour queuing for macdonalds, and ate a grilled chicken burger. Not bad. The patty was real grilled chicken and it was huge. Along with a slab of bacon, cheese and lettuce, it was a welcome snack. (They forgot to remove the mayo, the bastards)

Burned 2 hours after that watching Hustle on my laptop. Wanted to hook up onto the internet, but the opportunists that run Chicago O Hare charge for Wi Fi even though there are so many signs that say “WI-FI enabled in the terminal”. Sans the word “Free”, I could only plug in my laptop to charge the batteries and be entertained by Mickey Stone, Danny Blue and gang.

Hit the gate at 5 plus as the flight was due at 535 pm. Delay.

Many of the passengers there were visibly agitated at the delay, because it was nearly 9 before we were able to get onto the flight. Sitting there for those few hours, I realized something. The Sudoku book was actually able to keep me there for 2 -3 hours, glued to the puzzles and not lose my cool. I think maybe in this case Sudoku actually works for me as a concentration builder. Try it! You never know………

Got off at Detroit and got into a cab. Got into more drama again.

The cab was a van, and I had one guy with me who apparently needed to be dropped off at one of the airport terminals. When he got off, he got into a quarrel with the taxi driver. He refused to pay for the trip because the taxi driver wanted to charge him 18 bucks for a 5 minute ride. And the taxi driver was actually pissed off.

Thick nigger skulls does not equal brains.

We had trouble finding the Northwood apartments, even with GPS enabled in the taxi. The nigger actually went into a closed street, and got STOPPED BY THE COPS.

A taxi driver stopped by cops. That was a really lucky day.

Waited ten minutes for him to settle the summon, then proceeded to the Northwood apartments. The problem was, I did not arrange for my keys to be picked up after hours, and the office was closed. Well, this was because I did not anticipate my flight to have such an extraordinary delay. To put it simply, I was screwed. No key, no place to sleep for the night, and worse of all NO TRANSPORT. Accosted an other student and asked for his help. Toshiya-san’s a Stats PHD student who drives an Accord and listens to Sum 41. Nice guy. He helped my make some calls, but it seems the Residential Assistants, ( here they call them Aides) don’t have master keys for the apartments. Asked Toshiya-san if I could crash at his place, but he actually called a friend who had a spare room to put me in for the night. Ended up somewhere else, and bummed the night over there.

spaced out

nearly the end of the one week break. havent got anything done at all. seems that after the essay was handed in on thu ive been in a state of relative inactivity. dosent help that i have a 1000 work critical reflection due on thu and a presentation due on friday.

its so cold outside. and im going to the laundromat's to dry my rug and laundry in a while

we create our memories ourselves

la femme nikita

hiatus

its been a hell of a shitty three months. i am finally back on the grid after one and a half hours of trying to configure the wireless router in my home. when i look at this blog i wonder......

so much has gone on in my life that it has just been a whirlwind. as it is i have a 40% essay due tomorrow, but i just feel the urge to write again after so long.

in a nutshell.....

i rented a house last november before i came back to perth

the owner wanted the house back so me along with my 2 housemates were "evicted"

one of my housemates ended up being an indecisive prick so we split

i found another housemate.

moved in to this new place in mid march

the house is old. we spent a shitload of $$ pimping it up, with curtains, plumbing, furniture and decorative furniture

am now alone as the 2 people i care about the most here in perth are back in SINGAPORE for the study break. knn.

am going to sell my car.... because i have been accepted for exchange next semester to Michigan!

what else? that i realise how much i still miss my friends back in singapore. yes. if ur reading this you know who you are you pricks. you guys r prolly sitting for ur exams this week. best of luck.

why?

seems every time i open this blog up to write i am always plagued with questions. endless questions to which i have no answer to. i keep asking myself question after question, and it only leads to en endless maze of questions. i keep asking myself what it is i really want, and i cannot seem to give myself a satisfactory answer. every time i tell myself i will not make the same mistake again, not do the same things wrong time after time...........

but it still remains the same. there is no difference. i can never rest easy, i can never have any peace.

so many unanswered questions, so many things unsaid.

i think its really time to get serious

Why?

many people ask why, i give my reasons.

sometimes i wonder why myself- i ask myself a thousand times about things and i always end up giving myself the same answers, drawing myself circles in the sand.

it's been a week at work, and its getting to me. somehow on the morning bus ride, when you see the crowds come go, ebb and flow like tides breaking upon a shore, you wonder to yourself, sitting there on the bus, what it all means, what it is all for.

then when the lights go down, and the office dries itself of the living sould that inhabit it during the day, when you step out into the cold and darkness, you see the same sights- the long sleeved power dressed folk heading to their cars, and loading up buses to, hopefully catch that bus home.

then i ask- what is the point?


singapore's roads are littered with flashy cars and numberplates. singaporeans are a fucking rich bunch.

singapore's shopping centres are loaded to the brim with the stink and filty of capitalist cronies lapping up the designer and the posh in an neverending shopping spree of useless winter jackets, branded shoes, and the fruitless search for that perfect christmas gift.

this is where singaporeans spend their money on. excesses of a lifestyle determined by the flashes of a CRT/plasma screen, and fleshed out in the likeness of skinny models adorning the pages of a magazine.

then, looking at it all, i wonder...........

is this the life i want?

is this the life i want for my children?



you brought me up, you showed me life and you taught me what it is i know.

at the same time u fucked with 2 years of my life and washed it down the drain.

you bring me up in a system that is flawless, that exemplifies the perfect way of teaching the young, then you kick my ass down to ground zero with ur elitist standards.

to be honest, ive had enough of you. fuck you and your nepotism.

fuck all of you snotty bastards wearing whitewash

goddamn you.

back

made it back a couple of days ago. the plan trip was good, thanks to the company of one of my future housemates! conversation was good, and the flight was smooth.

pretty much been eating alot of the stuff ive wanted to. but in a way its funny. when i was over there i made up so many mental lists about the things i was going to do but suddenly when faced with the reality im stopped short.

so far the scoreboard on MAKN1102 is,

1- pasta from bukit timah
2- porridge from bukit timah
3-chicken rice from clementi
4- beach road bak chor mee
5- pontian wonton mee
6-nydc cheesecake and pasta
7- PS back chor mee
8- crystal jade lamian

thas a damn small list, i say....

oh well...........

27th------the first of dec is in sight. not only are my friends free of their shackles, but she will be coming over too!

i miss you. come back soon!