Because I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For

What we look for in life is so simple, that finding it is next to impossible

Someday when i read this post i will smile at myself and ponder what it is that went through my mind at the moment of this post. This is the beauty of blogging. Posting something ensures that that moment, the experience, feeling and emotion of the moment is captured forever in one single rush of electronic text and colour. Indeed, now as it is, when i look back on past posts, i cannot help but feel a cliched 'warm fuzzy feeling' inside that stems from nostalgia.

This is the reason why i am not asleep. 2 am and the rain is falling.........

But inspiration keeps me up, and here i write. Basically this music video's title sums it up pretty nicely. It's a golden oldie from U2, one of the greatest rock bands to ever walk this earth.





Then what exactly am i looking for? Could it be this?





Maybe, perhaps, but that song pretty much describes a lot about what one might look for in a soulmate. Unlike other sappy love songs, the lyrics to this track amaze me by the depths of its description.


I guess in a way, what i am looking for is so simple, that it is something that is next to impossible. (Funny thing how the words simple and impossible rhyme) To me, it is nearly impossible to find someone who i guess, can really connect to me in a level that i would like. It does not help that two of the ones who i would really like to get to know better are a million miles away from me at this moment. I have said this to a close friend so many times that i am sick of it, and i shall say it for the last time here. I do not need a girlfriend. I do not need to be in a serious relationship. All i am looking for is someone who can understand me.

In a way i consider myself a failure in certain ways. I see this failure as a failure to communicate appropriately and to connect with people at a certain level. To put it crudely, those who actually give a shit are few, so few they are like diamonds. It does not have to be actually caring, but even small things like replying messages and emails count for 'giving a shit', i suppose. I guess, if i am not even worth a person's precious few seconds to have that person reply my message or e mail, then this speaks volumes about how that person really holds me in regard. And when people need help, i am there.

Reciprocation is something that should not be expected, this is a fact of life. What i look for, however, is something that is far lesser than reciprocation. It is respect. I seriously do not think those who i give a shit about respect me in a way that i would like. Yes. That i would like. Self centered thought, but i feel that if i actually bother about something for you, respect on an equal level is the very least that i should be entitled to.

Perhaps another reason why i feel that i am unable to connect with people is perhaps due to this thing called RELIGION. In all honesty, i feel that this is no small thing. Wars are fought over this. People die over this. Ironic considering that our beliefs are supposed to be things that bring us inner peace and tranquility. In 'On Liberty', Mill speaks about the importance of opinion and the dangers of prevailing opinion. Such prevailing sentiment is dangerous and places itself at odds with the individual. My stand is this- religion is something that interferes with human rationality. Seemingly benevolent actions, through the seemingly harmless advocation of religious doctrine, constitutes a forceful drive to impose alien views on another individual. I define this as actions that influence another individual by way of the spreading of doctrine or the spreading of beliefs in an indirect manner. This is more dangerous than interfering with the individual in a direct manner, as it involves an attack or intrusion into the very workings of a person's thought processes and psyche. Thus is anything safe from this oppression? Nothing is spared. With the rise of technology, by word of mouth, and the accumulation of economic strength, religion is in a very real position to influence us in ways that are constricting. The light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps, is how certain religions advocate qualities that teach us to become, overall better people. Spreading of doctrine for reasons other than teaching people how to be better people is absolute oppression. You are appealing to the religion, not to the person as an entity. Simply put, that whatever i believe is stronger than what you already believe, and therefore whatever i believe is justified to replace what you have in your head.

In secondary school, i had to attend chapel service even though i was not a christian. But muslims were exempted. To me this is an absurdity. What i infer from this is: You do not respect my religion as much as you respect Islam. The fundamental problem with this is that i had already MADE the rational choice to come to a christian school, and following their practices was something 'any good schoolboy' should have done. It was my choice to go to that school, it was not imposed on to me.

Or should have not. I was young and knew nothing.

Let me detract for a moment. If you are a christian and you have read the paragraphs above, then i can guess what you are thinking now. Take a step back from that thought and consider the chapel-attending dilemma from my point of view. Can you. Will you? Will you even Want to? Will you even bother to? Ask yourself- are you able to make that distinction between the rational without letting what goes on in your head cloud your judgement?

You can't. You won't. It is absurd!

This ties in very nicely with the main point of my post. I can never identify with a religion whose fundamental concept is that of believing in something that wills you to take sides. No one who looks at life in this manner can truly understand what i am feeling and how i see things. I will never come to an understanding with such a belief and i never will.

Can you imagine how hard it is to find someone who thinks like this as well?

Simple, yet hard to find.


Tales of the end of the world, Apocalypse and Armageddon are real. It has to be.

Because the irony is that the very people who drive this world to its extinction, by virtue of their actions, are the ones who predict that it will end. As it is called in hokkien- lam-pa-pa-lam.